Last week I took a phone call that had me muttering under my breath as well as stomping around and complaining and Melynda took the opportunity to tell me that “murder is not really an option.”

Yep.  We’ve all had those days when we wanted to kill someone.  Not literally of course.  But sometimes the heat just keeps getting turned up and you’ve had all you can take from a co-worker, boss, vendor, child, friend….. 

Most of us successfully handle an average day with average irritations.  But when the heats on.  When trouble piles on top of trouble.  And you’ve moved from steamed to Pi$$ed.  Now what?

There is nothing wrong with being angry. 

People think that anger is a bad or dangerous emotion.  But Professor George Vaillant, a psychiatrist at Harvard Medical School says that “People are encouraged to practice ‘positive thinking,’ but we find that approach to be self-defeating and ultimately a damaging denial of dreadful reality.  Negative emotions such as fear and anger are inborn and are of tremendous importance.”  When we feel threatened – anger is our wake-up call.  It’s telling us we need to change our circumstances and take action.     

Stuffing your anger is NOT the solution.   

1. Pretending that you’re not angry does not make things go away.  And letting things slide does not resolve the situation.  When you run away and stuff your anger there’s a good chance that you’ll have to face a repeat performance.
2. Research has recently found that people who suppress their frustration are at least three times more likely to have disappointing personal lives and dead-end careers.  
3. And worse than that — a study by the Stress Research Institute of Stockholm University indicates that men who bottle up their anger at work are five times more likely to suffer a heart attack.  

 Anger has a bad reputation.

Getting angry isn’t the issue.  We’re all going to get angry at one time or another.  And many times the appropriate response to our anger is to communicate our feelings and constructively work through the issue.  The trouble is that many of us don’t know how to express our anger in ways that are helpful instead of harmful.  And we’ve had poor role models.    

• We’ve seen anger used to intimidate and control others — so we end up confusing anger with aggression.
• We’ve been hurt by friends and family members who are passive aggressive.
• And we’ve watched as anger has irrupted into violence on the six o’clock news.

So it shouldn’t come as a surprise that we’ve labeled anger as “bad” and try to stamp in out of our work places and family lives.    

The real issue is in expression.

Were you taught how to constructively express your anger?  I wasn’t.  So learning to express my anger – in a healthy and productive way – has been one of my self-development goals.  Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned so far.

Lesson One:  Name it.    

I used to think I didn’t have the right to be angry – so for years I suppressed any angry thoughts and/or emotions.  That lead to my not being able to identify what I was really feeling.  And even when I tried – I found that I didn’t have words to describe what I was going through.  Thesaurus.com helped.  Here are some of my favorite new words:

Afraid, annoyed, bent out of shape, bitter, boiling, enraged, fit to be tied, frantic, frustrated, fuming, furious, hacked off, hot, huffy, infuriated, irritable, livid, mad, offended, outraged, pi$$ed, resentful, scared, steamed and vexed.

Now when I first start feeling angry I search for the right word to describe my emotion – and I own it by saying it out loud.  Somehow that begins to calm me down so that I’m in control of my emotions instead of letting the emotion control me.

Lesson Two:  Identify what you’re really angry about.  

Many times something very simple has pushed me over the edge.  Someone cut me off on the freeway.  A co-worker didn’t follow up with a client.  My husband was late for dinner.  I’ve learned that when I overreact to these kinds of situations — something else is bothering me.  This specific incident was simply the trigger.  And what I need to do is trace my anger back to its origin.

Lesson Three:  Let it marinate. 

I received some great advice from a man named Paul.  Paul asked me “why is it important to make a decision right now?”  I didn’t realize at the time — but his question was brilliant.  Sometimes the best thing to do is to slow down.  Let things go for a while.  Allow time to take off the rough edges.  Some people get more riled up with they set things on the back burner.  That’s not what happens so me.  When I let things sit for a while it helps me to calm down.  It allows me to consider another point of view.  Then I can discover what’s really important — to me — and determine what I want to do about it.

Lesson Four:  Take it to the source.

Like many people — I prefer harmony over conflict.  So it is VERY EASY for me to avoid having a difficult conversation — at least with the person I’m angry with.  But isn’t it odd that I have no difficulty sharing my misery with everyone else?  It’s taken me a long time — but I’ve finally learned that talking with everyone else about the problem doesn’t solve it.  But when I have the courage to take it to the source I’ve taken control and created an opportunity to work it out.

Lesson Five:  It’s all about me.

It never seems to work when I tell someone else what they did wrong.  Trust me — I’ve tried it over and over again — and that righteous stance always blows up in my face!  So after a lot of trial and error I learned that the best way to have a difficult conversation is to talk about it from my own point of view.  So now I use phrases like…

“I experienced…”

“What I heard was…”

“I felt…”

“The issue I have is…”

“I’m concerned about…”

“What I need is…”

“What I want to do…”

“What’s important to me is…”

I’d love to tell you that I’ve conquered this hill.  That I am even-tempered and level-headed.  I’d love to believe that I’m a master at expressing my anger.  And I’d like to think that I’m a tactful and respectful communicator.  Unfortunately last week reinforced that I still have a lot to learn.

I know I’m not the only person that struggles with this issue.  Managing anger is a popular topic among our coaching clients.  Many of the discussions in our conflict courses are very spirited.  And we see the impact of anger gone wrong with friends and family.  I’ve shared some of the lessons I’ve learned.  And I know that many of you have learned some tough lessons as well.  So what advice do you have?  What are your anger do’s and don’ts.  And what’s the ‘one thing” that’s made a real difference in how you manage anger in your life?

I can’t wait to hear your thoughts!